Why frozen condoms are an actual thing…

Dads are usually really good at buying stuff for newborns. Cot? Check. Nappies? Check. Onesies, milk bottles and a pram? Check, check, check. But have you bought something to soothe your partner’s sore bottom or to relieve the pain in her you-know-what?

Frozen condoms

My wife returned from hospital two days after giving birth to our little premmie baby boy. It’d be another, fairly agonising three weeks before he’d be able to come home. In the meantime there was recovery and prep to be done (combined, in our case, with daily trips to hospital).

On four separate occasions I was dispatched at various times of day and night in search of random items. If your missus is expecting, here are a few things you probably didn’t know you needed to buy:

1. Piles Cushion

Yes, you read that correctly. A piles cushion. Essentially a rubber ring.

After pushing for hours on end, it apparently gets pretty delicate down there. So a nice rubber ring is just what the doctor ordered.

However…  #moneysavingtip, If you buy a kid’s inflatable swimming ring, it’ll do the same job but come in handy a couple of years later, too. Win-win.

2. Breast pump

So, it turned out that new mums need to express milk. Who knew? We didn’t. The breasts fill up with the stuff, regardless of how much the little one’s drinking. And if it’s not released, you risk explosion. Or severe pain, but from my view, explosion was a distinct possibility.

A breast pump does exactly what it sounds like it should do. Don’t scrimp on this – get a battery operated one and let the machine do (most of) the work.

3. Bath salts

If your partner’s given birth ‘naturally’, it’ll smart a little bit down there for a spell (or, more likely f*******g sting). Bath salts – and lots of them – are good to have in stock for the nightly bathe.

Just don’t buy scented.

4. Condoms

Oh Casanova you old dog you. Yep. Condoms. But this isn’t male bravado, delusion or wishful thinking – trust me, after a few days at home with a screaming ankle biter, and having recently witnessed your partner’s vagina being turned inside out and a little person pushed out of it, neither of you will be wanting or even thinking about risking anything down there for at least a matter of weeks.

However, make sure you’re stocked up on condoms. Filled with water and frozen, they’re the perfect shape to rest in between new mum’s legs and ease a bit of pain and swelling.

Don’t believe me? This is actually a thing. Shortly after giving birth in hospital, my wife was taken to a fridge full of frozen condoms.

Fancy a cold one from the fridge? Don’t mind if I do.