From cufflinks to a cordless drill...
You’ve seen the apps. Your partner probably has one on her phone — the ones that let you figure out how big your unborn child is by comparing it to fruits, or French bakery treats or animals. But if you’re like me you’re often left slightly baffled when she says the kid is now the size of a Tarte Tatin or an acorn squash, so here’s a list of 35 items your average fellow can relate to. This should help you picture how big your darling little Chouquette is week by week.
Week 6: A Bitcoin
Bitcoins have no physical form, and your baby is so bloody small right now that we can safely say it’s about the size of a Bitcoin. And even more valuable! *checks value of Bitcoin* … And almost as valuable!
Week 7: Allen key
This tiny Swedish pseudo-screwdriver (pseudriver?) will likely be featuring heavily in your life over the next few months and years as you put together bassinets, cupboards, kid-sized chairs and what-have-you. You’ll curse the little bastard regularly, but if you misplace it you will realise how much you need it. (Talking about the Allen key here, not the child).
Week 8: Cufflink
Let me take a punt and say the last time you wore cufflinks was to your wedding? Someone else’s wedding? No? Wow, you’re fancier than me then.
Week 9: Poker chip
You won’t be having poker nights with the boys for a little while, but just think, you could always gamble on your child’s future by hurling them headlong into tennis or golf from a really young age and hoping they make the big time.
Week 10: Golf ball
Speaking of golf, bub is now the size of a Titleist or Callaway. Maybe it has cute dimples too!
Week 11: A Smurf
Your kiddo is now as big as a Smurf. Now, there’s a 51.2 per cent chance your baby is a girl, whereas in the mushroom-house village, there are only three females out of 105 total Smurfs (not just one! You’re forgetting Sassette Smurfling and Nanny Smurf). So if you WERE going to be the father of the Smurf, there would only be a 2.85 per cent chance of it being a girl. Just so you know.
Week 12: Buffalo wing
Binge-eating a giant serving of buffalo wings is very much like raising a child. You’ll swing between delight and disgust and spend much of the time covered in sticky substances. And once it’s all over you’ll be proud of yourself at being able to pull off something so impressive.
Week 13: The Ashes urn
The closest comparison to that joyous feeling of being a dad was how it felt to win back The Ashes in 1989, with Border, Boonie, Terry Alderman and the boys.
Week 14: A pack of playing cards
From here on in it’s going to be less Blackjack, more Snap in your world.
Week 15: Mantis shrimp
If your kid can end up even half as awesome as a mantis shrimp, with its super-powered crushing claws and the ability to boil the water around it with its rapid limb movements, you’re going to have a very good kid indeed.
Week 16: Small flat white
Ah, coffee, the bitter nectar that gives you life when sleep becomes a rarefied commodity.
Week 17: Meat pie
Baby is the size of a meat pie in mum’s belly. How about you go out right now and celebrate by adding a meat pie to your belly size?
Week 18: Scorpion
Your sprog is the size of this vicious, weaponised arachnid. Scorpion is also a name you should consider, it sounds gnarly and you’d be setting the kid up to be a cage fighter or Bond villain.
Week 19: Xbox controller
Are you getting in as much gaming as possible? Coz soon that shit is gonna be put on hold for a while.
Week 20: Toilet paper roll
In several months the toilet will likely be the only place in your house that you’ll be able to find a few minutes of sweet solitude. You’ll become adept at knowing just how long you have the right to stay in there until the screams become something you can no longer ignore.
Week 21: Hip flask
Something that most men own but (probably?) don’t use very much. I could make a joke about needing one with you when you take your toddler to the park in years to come, but you really shouldn’t drink and dad.
Week 22: Mk II anti-personnel grenade
You think these bad boys are explosive? Wait till you see some of your newborn’s poos! Ahahahaha!
Week 23: Can of WD-40
One of the most useful things you could possibly have around the house. The baby equivalent is the box of wet wipes.
Week 24: A Sony Discman
If you’re a dad who knows what that is, you’re probably not going to enjoy the running around after your child stuff as much as the younger, spritelier dads. Hell, bending down to pick them up all the time is going to get old very fast. But at least you’ll have cool stories to tell about your Sony Discman days.
Week 25: Pair of Converse One Stars
Part of the dad uniform, along with cargo shorts and a hipster hat.
Week 26: Small box of Weet-Bix
You’ve got to have one of these in the cupboard if you’re raising a kid. How can something so basic taste so good. Be warned, though. Splotches of semi-dried Weet-Bix rank among the worst things to step on with bare feet.
Week 27: Cordless drill
One of the key roles of a dad is drilling stuff. Whether it needs it or not.
Week 28: Lightsabre
If you could choose just one, would you take a kid or a real-life, working lightsabre?
Week 29: Claw hammer
Hammers are handy for nailing stuff in around the house or also to use as a weapon when you’re attacked by a large group of assailants, as seen in the movie ‘Old Boy’. Your baby should not be used for either of these things.
Week 30: SLR camera
You could chronicle your child’s life with the HD camera on your phone, or you could make more of a fuss about it by buying an SLR camera and being THAT guy.
Week 31: A big snodger of a flathead
Hopefully your baby doesn’t bear any resemblance to this delicious but ugly fish. Or for that matter, Donald “Flathead” Fisher from home and away – you don’t want your kid looking like that dude.
Week 32: 1717 Messiah Stradivarius violin
The little bebe is now the size of the 1917 Messiah Stradivarius violin, which sold at auction for about $20 million. And you’d feel bad if you dropped either of them.
Week 33: Akubra hat
A man’s hat says a lot about him. An Akubra can say “this man is at one with the land, he knows how to ride a horse and shoot a gun, and he values loyalty above all else”. It can also say, “this guy is a tosser from the suburbs who is aiming for the ‘outback bloke’ look and falling well short”.
Week 34: The FIFA World Cup trophy
The baby is about the size of the most prized trophy in sport, but hopefully doesn’t weigh as much just yet. Unless he or she is also made out of gold, which would be a mixed blessing really.
Week 35: The Wire Series 1-5 DVD boxed set
One day your child will be old enough to learn the tales of detectives Jimmy McNulty and William “Bunk” Moreland and you will be when you open up your DVD box set of The Wire, find the DVD player in the shed, explain to the kid what a DVD player is, and sit back and introduce five seasons of the best television ever made to a new generation.
Week 36: The nuclear football
The box containing the nuclear codes is carried at all times by a secret service agent accompanying the US President. THAT is something to be nervous about, not childbirth.
Week 37: A regular football
It’s OK to start footy training drills with your child from the time they are a week old. Even if they can’t catch the ball yet, throwing passes to them helps their coordination and reflexes. It’s a competitive sporting landscape out there, so waiting till they can walk and run and stuff is waiting too long.
Week 38: Formula 1 steering wheel
An F1 steering wheel is an incredible feat of engineering and technology that probably costs more than your family car. Speaking of the family car, have you put the baby seat in yet? Trust me, you don’t want to be doing that for the first time under pressure.
Week 39: The Chestburster from the Alien movies
We can guarantee your birth experience is less dramatic and traumatic than John Hurt’s, erm, “labour” in the original Alien.
Week 40: A baby
Your foetus is the size of, you know, a baby now. Let your partner know she can have it whenever.